I still don't know how to talk about my sister.

I said that I’m older now than my sister was that December when she first told me about her drug use.

I said that my relationship with my parents is healthier now, and we are able to support each other through this time.

I said I’m not a kid anymore, I’m not paralyzed by my fear and doubt.

I said I am ready to take action, to do whatever it is that my sister needs.

I said there is nothing that I can do unless my sister reaches out, and I have to accept that.

In the last 9 months, I have started referring to our relationship as estranged with people I don’t know well. It makes my skin crawl every time. Last week, I was telling a story to a coworker who said, “shit, I didn’t even know you had a sister.”

My dentist retired during the pandemic and sold her practice to one of the neighborhood kids. I am long overdue for a trip to the dentist, but I can’t bring myself to schedule the appointment because I am unprepared to hear Erin, who babysat me once or twice, and whose younger siblings I played kickball with in the field behind our neighborhood every summer, ask how Maddie is doing.

We talked for an hour on my birthday in November. It seemed like she was doing okay. I met her boyfriend that she lives with. I finally got the opportunity to tell her face to face that everyone wanted to be in her life, that our love and communication isn’t contingent on sobriety. I begged her to text our dad before his knee surgery that week, and when she did, it felt like progress.

In January, she told me she wanted me to come visit and never answered when I tried to call and text to make a plan.

In the beginning of May, I got a call from a number I didn’t know while I was at work. I didn’t answer because we hadn’t closed for the night yet. When I answered the second call that came a bit later, after we had closed the gate, it was my sister. I’m shocked she called a second time. It wasn’t a long call, it’s hard to keep her on the phone, and I made the mistake of telling her I was at work. She got a little defensive when I asked if everything was okay. I asked if she would call me that week, that I wasn’t working nights, so I’d be able to talk anytime. She agreed but never called.

I didn’t tell my parents about her call at first, even though I spoke with them the very next day. It was mother’s day. I couldn’t make myself bring it up. It’s hard to talk about when there’s nothing to do.

Last week, my dad told me my sister had lost her phone. I knew this because she told me when she called. He knew this because my mom is somehow in contact with a guy she used to stay with over the summer on Facebook. Sean. She stayed with him recently before ultimately going back to her boyfriend.

Later that day I got a bunch of texts from Verizon saying someone was trying to make changes to the account, asking me to click a link to authorize the changes. I assumed it was spam. When I got home from work, I called her boyfriend’s phone number. My sister was at a Verizon store in Springfield trying to get her new phone set up. There was a misunderstanding and they assigned our mom’s phone number to my sister’s new phone. When they tried to switch it back, Verizon’s fraud department flagged the transaction, but they couldn’t get a hold of my mom on account of the number mixup. My sister asked me to click the link they sent authorizing the changes to the account. I did it. Everything got sorted out, phone numbers returned to their rightful owners.

On Sunday, I was helping my mom with some yard work. I made a joke about the fraud department and my mom said, “well Meredith, that’s because it was fraud.” My sister bought a brand new $1400 iphone and charged it to the family account, which is what she had me authorize. Both of my parents are being a little too nice to me about this. It makes sense. They would have paid for a phone if she had simply reached out and asked, but I’d feel better if they were angry with me.

She texted me a couple hours ago and asked how I am. I said I’m not doing anything tonight if she has time to talk.

I should have just called her right away, but I didn’t. Because it feels less like rejection this way. Because it feels more like rejection this way. Because I fear she will ask for something I cannot give and punish me for it. Because when I said I was prepared to take action, to do whatever it is my sister needs, I had a specific outcome in mind. That I was hoping for. Because I fear I may have gotten so good at not looking this head on that the truth might be harder to take than the not knowing. Because I am a coward.

I feel foolish and naive and small.

I'm not a kid anymore, but everything feels so much more complicated. I find myself paralyzed once again.

Every choice is the wrong one. I don’t know what to do.

A real six dozen of one, half of another situation.

30 May 2023